Travels With My Brother: A Sibling Adventure

by Nikki Donnelly
There are many things that my brother contributes to my life, but the ability to see the world through his perspective is one of the best.
Recently I attended the Sibling Leadership Network Conference in St. Paul, Minnesota.  I have travelled extensively throughout the United States; you can say I am a bit of a restless soul.  However, I have never been to this part of our country.  Not being sure when I would return, I decided to make a trip out of it.  (Summer breaks…one of the perks of working in education!)  In researching neighboring areas and points of interest, I found the Ford Factory in Detroit.  It’s at this point I decided to include my brother in this adventure.
My brother, Robby, is 36 – 10 years younger than me.  He has autism and intellectual disabilities.  He is a pretty easy-going guy as long as his limits are recognized and respected.  But then again, isn’t this the same for all of us?!  He and I have travelled together many times in the past, but this would be our longest, most distant trip together.
My itinerary quickly became full of Rob’s preferences: cars, trains and amusements.  Our trip consisted of flying from California to Minneapolis, attending the conference and sightseeing, then taking the Amtrak train to Chicago.  In Chicago, we would spend a few days sightseeing, then reboarding an Amtrak train to Detroit for a few days of “All things Ford.”  Past experience has taught me to ensure Robby’s most preferred item is last (Ford Factory in Detroit).  He needs to have something to look forward to in order to see him through some less-preferred activities.  Once we were in Detroit, we realized how close we were to Niagara Falls and decided to rent a car and drive up there as well.  This met Rob’s approval since Niagara Falls is featured on one of his favorite Disney California Adventure rides: Soaring Over America.
Some of my highlights of the trip are the SLN Conference (of course!), catching a Cubs game at Wrigley Field, and Niagara Falls.  When I asked Rob of his favorite things, he shared the Ford Factory, Comedy show in Chicago (he finds cussing hilarious!) and Niagara Falls.  His favorite souvenir is the “Chicago” shirt he got from the Disney store in Chicago.  He thinks it’s funny that there “isn’t really an ‘O’ at the end, but a Mickey head instead.”

One can never know what Rob will find enjoyable.  He has never shown an interest in baseball, yet was excited to go to a Cubs game.  I pried and pried as to why he wanted to go to a game.  Typically, something that unique would be due to it being portrayed in a favorite movie or song.  No luck.  I may never know why that guy was excited about Wrigley Field!  But, of course, we went.  He sat on his phone and watched videos the entire time but cheered when needed and shared that he enjoyed himself.  His ability to multi-focus is astonishing at times!
The Cubs game is also when we received our biggest challenge of the trip.  I decided to take the public train to the game.  Recognizing Robby’s lack of spatial awareness and dislike of over-crowded places, I was hoping the train would not be crowded since the game had already started.  Well, I was wrong.  We got on but had to stand without a hand hold in the doorway.  Each jerk of the train sent him side to side with me trying to hold him in place so he wouldn’t bump others, not to mention people squeezing past us as they were entering and exiting the train.  I still opted for the door area though, knowing there would be a quick exit should it become too much for him.  Finally, we at least got a hand hold, which helped but he still frequently (and loudly) repeated “our stop it coming soon, right Nikki?!”  After a couple of those loud requests, I scanned the train and found a route map he could follow.  The teacher in me came out and prompted him through how to read the visual support so he would know how long he needed to maintain his composure and this unpleasant experience ended.  Good news is, it worked!  He loudly stated each station as we arrived and we made it to the ballpark with no incidents!  I made sure we left the game early to avoid that situation on the way home.
I love my brother.  I love his uniqueness, his ability to be oblivious of social norms, and the simplicity in which he views life.  Yes, it can sometimes be a bit much such as when he wears a Disney eared baseball hat out in public. However, I also remember to recognize that is my issue, not his.  He doesn’t care about whether the hat is socially acceptable or not.  He likes it and he wants to wear it.  This is a constant reminder to me that I do not need the approval of others.  I can be my own person and those around me will survive…even if I decided to wear a Mickey ears hat!
As a sibling, there are certainly many challenges and losses.  I frequently mourn the loss of having a “typical” brother.  It would be nice to have a brother that can help with fixing things around the house or ease my anxiety while walking through a less desirable area together.  But I wouldn’t trade him for the world.  Because of him, I have excelled in my special education career and I have met so many people I would’ve never met, including my favorite SLN people!  Is the future overwhelming?  Yes!!  Rob now lives with me, my immediate family has moved across the country, and after 10 years of being a single parent, I am in a nearly 2-year relationship.  Some days I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all.  Where does my own life fit in?  How do I make sure he is connected and receiving all services in case something happens to me?  Do I then pass this responsibility to my own adult children?  How do I help him balance a typical, independent adult life with my safety concerns that he is oblivious to?  These frequently overwhelm my thoughts; however, I am thankful for times such as this trip where we are predominantly just a brother and a sister enjoying a vacation together.  Would I have enjoyed conversations that were a little more in depth than music and cars?  Of course.  But because of my brother, I was able to experience this 11-day trip through a truly unique lens…. his simple perspective on the world.  For that, I am grateful.